To whom it may concern,

I’m writing to let you know how dissatisfied I have been with the service and accommodations here at the Dormire Dog Park and Kennel to the Stars. Yelp and TripAdvisor both show rave reviews.  Psh!   I can’t say I’ve been treated much like the super model that I am.  They have kept me in this kennel for the past month.  My agent must have inadvertently mentioned my case of heartworms.  She is so fired! Well, silver lining, I’ve had plenty of rest so I should have no bags under my eyes for my next photo shoot.  And I’ve sent all the worms packing too.  Just add them to the list of parasites trying to profit from my good looks. 

Now, the food…  I was promised 5 star restaurant cuisine. You know, as a super model, I have to watch my weight.  Apparently ‘someone’ (my ex-agent) thought I was too thin, as if there is such a thing in fashion, and all they have been feeding me is high calorie slop that can only be described as DOG FOOD!   Can you imagine!?

And have you never heard of a salon!?  Have you seen my hair?  I need professional services.  First of all, your staff won’t even hold my hair back when I eat that gruel you call food.  At least put my hair in a man bun.  You know I don’t have thumbs. 

Well, needless to say, I’m demanding a refund, and a ticket out of this place IMMEDIATELY!  I’m ready to get back to my exercise routine to keep my physique in tip-top shape.  And if you know anyone who needs a little piece of arm candy, I’m taking applications for my next sugar mama. 

Sincerely,

Trebek